When Loved Ones Lie Listless - How to be a Friend Near the End

You pull up at the extended care home, glumly heave yourself out of the car, and reach back in for the bouquet of flowers. You don\'t want to be here. It\'s depressing and boring; she probably won\'t remember anyway.

But maybe she will, and maybe you are the one she\'s wanting to see.

The first flower-laden visits at extended care homes are awkward, the surroundings seem bleak, the loved one drugged and bleary, the visitor intimidated and horrified. A lot of friends and relatives drop out after that one visit, the initial rush becomes a trickle, and those that return come less often. Non-visiting relatives feel guilty, but what they really need are some pointers to get them through this difficult time.

Here are a few ideas:

Don\'t feel you have to stay long. Just popping by on your way to somewhere else will be appreciated. A quick hello and a Starbucks treat can perk your loved one up.

Choose your presents with the patient\'s needs in mind.

Bring only one at a time, saving others for the next visit. Some good items:

- a soft, horseshoe-shaped neck pillow, the kind you use on airplanes (stops their head from drooping to one side).

- a soft, thick, light extra blanket (they get cold).

- a challenging, yet easy to play game. (\'Connect Four\" can be played with one hand, is fun and helps stimulate the brain.)

- If they are not diet restricted, a bag of their favorite treats from long ago, like Licorice Allsorts, Quality Street, etc.

- a Starbucks latte.

Visit alone.

Don\'t burst through the door in big groups.

Your loved one needs time to relate to what\'s going on, and many can\'t sort out a hubbub of voices. Keep the visits one on one, or in small clusters that belong together, who the patient identifies as belonging together.

Speak clearly, and wait a long time for the answer.

If the answer doesn\'t come in thirty seconds, wait longer.

Sign them up.

Find out what the care home offers as elective services, consult with your loved one, and sign them up. Don\'t assume someone else has already done it! From weekly hair styling appointments, to bingo, to manicures, some costing money and others not, there may be plenty to keep them stimulated. Make sure to establish how services will be paid for, either from the patient\'s account or by you.

Take them for walks in their wheelchair.

All it takes is sturdy shoes and a firm grip on the chair. You\'ll brighten up the day immensely if you can take them outside. A supermarket very nearby makes a great visit. Be cautious of driveways, the slope tilts the wheelchair, go slowly and be careful.

Make sure you let the nurses know where you are going. If you can\'t go outside, then take them to explore the facility, they need to be familiar with their surroundings.

Help make the room comfortable for visitors.

If you notice that there is never anywhere for you to sit, that you have to perch on the edge of the bed with the railings ramming your thigh, go buy a folding camp chair, the kind that come in a bag. Store it under or behind the bed so it\'s not in the way. Pull it out when you get there, and have a comfortable, and therefore longer and easier, visit.

Have a movie night.

Once in a while, rent a movie, bring a bag of popcorn and a favorite drink \r Be careful with the movie selection, it\'s not about what you want. The images might need to be big, that action slow, the speaking clear. \"March of the Penguins\" ?

Go easy on the flowers.

The vases take up too much room, and, if not attended to, the patient has dead blossoms to gaze at. Bring them in the first few days of confinement, to show support, to liven up the strange surroundings, but then don\'t bring more until occasion demands.

Always ask.

Your loved one still knows what flavors they like, what movie they might enjoy, whether they want to go exploring or not. Just be very patient, and if they can\'t tell you, then it\'s okay to guess, but always look for signs of tiredness or stress, make sure you are not exhausting them.

Just go.

What seems dull to you may mean all the world to them.\r Go visit - enough with the excuses. Your reward will come when they pass on, knowing that you helped make it easier, that you made them feel more cherished, that you gave them an extra bit of stimulation in a rather bleak environment, and that you brightened, just a little, their twilight days.

Helen Paris Riemer is a contributer to various newspapers and online travel sites. She is currently working on a series of travel adventure books featuring international courier Jody Chiquita. More information may be found on the author\'s website at http://www.helenparis.com

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