Caregivers - It’s Not Your Fault!

Caregivers are artists at feeling guilty. Check it out for yourself. How many times a day do you sink into self-blaming thoughts such as, Im so terrible because I put my husband/wife/parent in a nursing home because I just couldnt stay up all night when he/she was sick because I dont know the right thing to do. Sometimes I think guilt is the caregivers state religion!

Caregivers care so much that they assume they are responsible for how everything turns out.

Not so.

The illness of someone we love and a great many of the surrounding circumstances are out of our control. True, we can do a number of things to try to be helpful, but were not responsible for the outcome. Really!

Thats one of the hardest things to accept about being a caregiver. We cant control the illness, or how the medication works, or how the medical or social service systems work (for the most part), or how our loved one or anyone else around us thinks, feels, or acts. Oh, how we want to! Wed sure like things and people to be different than they are. And if we have any controlling tendencies, by golly were going to jump in there and get things straightened out, arent we?

Sometimes, thats a good thing. We go to bat for our loved one to get them what they need against all odds, and we feel darn proud of it.

But mostly, a whole lot of what happens when someone we love is sick is out of our control, and no matter how determined we are or how nice we try to be, we cant change it. We especially cant change how others around us think or behave. And in truth, were not in charge of that. Thats their business. Were only responsible for our own thoughts and actions. Yet, we may find ourselves getting all scowl-faced over how others are acting, and then on top of that, blame ourselves for not being able to fix them to our liking.

Well, maybe were taking on way more than makes sense. Were assuming we should do everything perfectly and also taking the blame if others arent perfect as well. The catch is that, even if we got everyone around us acting right, we still cant control the outcome. Illnesses will get better or worse. Well be too tired to do more sometimes. People will be happy -- or not. Our insistence on having things turn out different than they do, and the guilt we take on when it doesnt happen, only serve to wear us out.

For the most part, were not in control, and the good news is we dont have to be. We can take ourselves off the hook. We do what makes sense in each moment, and thats enough. (Really now, what more can we do?) In the end, were better off if we trust the outcome to a power greater than ourselves and kiss guilt goodbye.

Want to use this article in your ezine or website? You have my permission, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Pat Samples is the author of Daily Comforts for Caregivers and Self-Care for Caregivers and an international speaker who helps family caregivers find peace of mind. Learn more at http://www.agingandcaregiving.com.

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