Caregivers - Don\’t Become Control Freaks

When youre a primary caregiver responsible for the well-being of your father, mother or another loved one, its easy to become obsessed with the details. You want to make sure your Dad isnt eating rotten food, so you smell everything in his refrigerator. You note that your Moms hair is oily and stringy, so you insist she let you wash it. And take off that blouse youve been wearing all week and put on a clean one, you add.

Im not sure if its a trait of all caregivers, but I was some kind of control freak when I was responsible for my Dads care when he lived in an assisted-living facility nearby. I kept a sharp eye out for his special needslike making sure there were facial tissues and toilet paper in the bathroom. With his severe short-term memory loss, he certainly wouldnt remember to restock those items, and I didnt want him reaching for a hand towel to wipe withor worse yet, not wipe at all!

So perhaps the controlling started with the best of intentions to make things better for Dad, but I think it escalated to excess. Not only was I obsessed with perfection, but I expected everyone else in the family to take care of Dad exactly the way I would. When my husband and I went away for a month, leaving two of my brothers in charge, I sent them a three-page letter of detailed instructions they were to follow.

Yet, what Dad really loved about visits from his sons was playing with themgoing to a bar for a beer, playing shuffleboard, pool or cards. Thats what meant something to Dad when his sons visited, not the fact that they made sure his laundry was done. Dad loved to play cards with me, too, and sometimes Im afraid I was so obsessed with the housekeeping that I neglected his simple need for my companionship.

I was so good at managing Dads life that I sometimes overstepped and did things for Dad that he could have done for himself. One time my sister sent him a tin of cookies wrapped tightly in tape, and as I saw Dad struggle to get it off, I was about to grab the tin out of his handssomething my husband complains I often do to him. Fortunately, I held back that time, and Dad had the satisfaction of opening it himself. It may take longer for our loved ones to do things for themselves, but whenever possible, we should let them.

The times that I remember best now that Dad has passed away are not the hours I spent taking him to doctors or dealing with housekeeping issues. The times I remember best are the ones that made Dad happy in a special way, the days we shared doing fun things.

One day we took a walk in Treman Park along one of Ithacas famous gorges. Dad was so impressed with the views of nature, as well as the views of young girls walking by in shorts. After that we had lunch at Friendlies with his granddaughter and great grandchildren. Later, as I walked Dad to his room he said, Youre a wonderful young lady to have as a daughter.

Now, Im not saying that housekeeping, grooming, and doctors visits arent important. Of course I helped the quality of Dads life by paying attention to these details. As a primary caregiver, you have to pay attention to those things, and I guess thats what contributes to our becoming control freaks.

But its also important to relax and let go at times. If you are tense, in a hurry, always focused on managing your loved ones lives, you will miss out on the opportunity to share more meaningful experiences with them. You dont know how many of those opportunities youll have, and you wont want to look back and regret missing them. So stop. Sit down. Have a cup of tea and just be together.

Copyright 2006 Lynne Taetzsch

Lynne Taetzsch is an artist and writer who became the primary caregiver for her father when he was 93 years old and had severe short-term memory loss. She is the author of The Bipolar Dementia Art Chronicles, a memoir about her experience which is available at Amazon.com. She also writes a blog on Caregiving, Aging and Alzheimers at\r http://artbylt.blogs.com/caregiving/

Caregivers - It’s Not Your Fault!
Caregivers are artists at feeling guilty. Check it out for yourself. How many times a day do you sink into self-blaming thoughts such as, Im so terrib...

Caregivers and the Challenge - Asking for Help
Caregivers, like many of us, have grown up in this culture that says asking for help is a weakness. Some of us have grown up in chaotic environments w...

Coping with the Emotional Challenges of Caregiving a Parent
Do you know someone acting as a caregiver to an aging or disabled parent, maybe a friend, loved-one, or a co-worker? Are you serving as the role of c...

Enjoy Workout Benefits - Get A Treadmill Home
Life today is fast. Everybody is in hurry. People lack time. Same is true for fitness freaks. They are determined to lose as much weight as possible. ...

Minding Our Elders: There’s a Hole In My Soul
A study from New York University, found that caregivers are twice as likely as non-caregivers to report physical and mental health complications. One ...

The Caregiver - 7 Tips To Being A Caregiver’s Best Friend
Being a caregiver is time-consuming and can be emotionally draining. Do you know someone who is a caregiver to someone in their home?Chances are whene...

Are You Drowning in Caregiving?
An area of concern that I get asked about the most is finding someone to give the caregiver a break.Most adult children fall into caregiving as a res...

Guidance for New Alzheimer’s Caregivers
Caring for a parent, spouse, sibling or other loved one with Alzheimers disease can be a rewarding experience that builds your inner strength and char...

Roles Of A Team Leader - Discover Just What Is Expected Of You
It is common for anyone half decent to get the promotion to Team Leader. But this job can be dangerous for you if you don't know the territory. In thi...

Strategies on Paying for Nursing Home Care and Medicaid
The decision to place your loved one into a nursing home is anr extremely difficult decision, often causing much guilt for ther caregiver. It is a ver...

Caregivers Take the Blinders Off
When you're a sandwich generation caregiver, often that's left over after everyone is cared for are crumbs. Caregivers need to take extra special car...

Being a Happier, Healthier Caregiver
When Helen's mother had a stroke in 1994, Helen became her caregiver. Working full-time as a teacher and living an hour's drive from her mother, each ...

Welcome to the Sandwich Generation
First we couldn't have any. Then we could have it all. Then we realized we didn't want it all. So how come we're still doing it all - and feeling ...

Caregiving’s Costly Burden
Hey - If I had known that official government policy toward caring for elderly parents was that their children would have to do it all, well I would h...

Minding Our Elders: How Long Can I Do This?
When was the last time you listened to a bird? Noticed tree leaf buds bursting open on a spring day? Enjoyed a childs laugh (even your own child or g...